The Collaborative Law approach to divorce and separation aligns with our natural instincts as human beings. We want to belong, we need community, we need to feel supported. All of those concepts become threatened when we separate or divorce from our primary relationship. In our traditional dispute resolution models for divorce, “shuttle” mediations, or at worst, trials, capitalize on that sense of threat by encouraging the parties to take positions and look out for their own interests. The idea is that parties have attorneys who are champions for their cause, to fight for their clients in a system built around the concept of retribution rather than repair.
But retribution is really about living in our lizard brains, the fight or flight part of our brains. It is not the part of our brain that works toward inclusion, builds community, and creates a system of support. It is not the part of our brain that makes good, well-reasoned decisions. It is not the part of our brain that thinks about others’ needs – the needs of our children or the other parent to those children. It is not the part of our brain that considers our own values and plans actions consistent with those values. The lizard brain does not make decisions based upon how we want to feel in the future about our actions in the past. On a more practical level, the lizard brain does not even consider the financial toll of decisions we make based on revenge or “me first” approaches.
In the Collaborative process, instead of taking advantage of the feelings of fear and anxiety that often come with the deterioration of our primary relationship, a team of professionals works with both parties to reflect upon their values, express their interests, and recognize the interests of the other party. The focus is on restructuring the relationship, not on destruction. A mental health coach can help the parties explore those areas where the highest emotions reside and build support around the parties to express their needs and find common ground that can ease fears and calm feelings of threat. Lawyers are advocates for each party, but also for a process that holds the whole family in its sights, and helps maintain a sense of community and belonging, but in a different structure.
Collaborative divorce provides this support. We as human beings thrive when we work together toward a common goal. We thrive when we have a safe sense of community and look out for each other. Why would we choose anything different when we divorce?
Alexis Squier
Law Office of Alexis Squier PLLC
Having served as a litigator and as a Guardian Ad Litem in custody disputes, I have seen first-hand the impact of acrimony and divisiveness on separating families and am passionate about paving a new road with better choices for families in transition. I bring my experience and determination in partnership with my clients and team members to provide fertile ground for creative and sustainable resolutions in family law matters.
